You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you know

I have really thrown myself in to this Ironman training... It has been the focus I needed to distract myself from my own thoughts. You see in the past I have been my own worst enemy. I. Can't. Help. It. Sadly, it has always been this way.

Thankfully I discovered triathlon, which has been a huge welcomed distraction. However when I stop for a moment (usually when I've burnt myself out from doing too much) the scabs of my emotional wounds crack and I begin to doubt myself and the self loathing kicks in. Without throwing a pity party I have always struggled with my self esteem. Some people find it hard to believe - surely not me, laughing, joking me.

Well it's true! For years I have played the clown and but on a front and hidden behind a persona - I'm sure it's something we all do to survive! Call it a coping mechanism. Last year I hit an all time low - a culmination of several different things. Amazingly breaking my ankle became a revelation and allowed me to realise that I needed to address some of my inner demons. As did the death of my estranged father, which also had a greater impact than I'd ever imagined. It threw up all sorts of questions, questions that I wanted answered, I just have to accept that I will never have an explanation  - perhaps the universe did not want me to know. But I can't change this - so dwelling on the matter will not solve anything. However, the sadness will never go away. It's how you deal with the shit that life throws at you.

Motivation is how high you bounce back after you have hit absolute rock bottom. I needed a focus to spring back into life and  training for a half ironman helped massively.  It was such a euphoric feeling crossing the finishing line and smashing my expectations. For once in my life I had felt proud of what I had achieved.  Now lets get this straight - none of my results warrant a standing ovation AND I am never going to be a world class athlete. I do this for my own sense of self worth and that's the beauty of triathlon.  It is very personal to each individual - we all have our reasons for taking part in the sport, and those who judge us mediocre folk, should stop and realise everyone out there on the course is fighting their own battle.  Perhaps it has become an obsession of mine, however it's a journey of self discovery and anyone who knocks my dedication will hopefully realise why this is important to me.  I knew the moment I crossed the finishing line at Berlinman, that I wanted to do more - the fire was inside me - I wanted to push my limits.  Self doubt is hugely sabotaging but anyone who takes on the Ironman challenge will realise with self discipline, determination and a strong heart you can beat the shit out of your negative mind chatter head on. I'm not going to lie, it's still comes in waves and I question my strength and ability - this is all part and parcel of the Ironman experience, but I can honestly say the journey is worth the entry fee!  After all. 'Anything is possible'

One thing I've learnt is you've got to make the best of what you have and not look back and wish things had been different. You've just got to keep moving forward. My spiritual healer, and now good friend Clive said that looking back only causes you to feel depressed and looking to far forward creates feelings of anxiousness. No doubt many of you reading can relate to this.  Sometimes you have to look back (however painful) to realise some of the choices and decisions I've made in life have been caused by behavioural patterns or certain circumstances. I have looked back, talked and realised that my previous coping mechanisms have failed...I'm no means fixed, but life is a journey where we continue to develop and learn more about ourselves.  It's the friendships and relationships we encounter throughout our existence that help us to grow, learn more about ourselves and the person we'd like to become.

With every day that passes on my Ironman Journey, I both physically and mentally stronger and I am learning more about myself.  Before IM training there would be days where I was plagued with self doubt, questioning everything.  Strangely enough they are less few and far between since IM mania.  But they still happen and it would be wrong of me to assume this training would be all plain sailing. On days like this I have to have strong words with myself and read through my library of inspiring quotes. 'Believe in yourself and all that you are.  Know that there is something inside you that is greater than any obstacle' is one of my favourites.

Friends had warned me about the pitfalls of self coaching and to be wary of the so called burn out - but I expected to remain unscathed - stupid really considering the physical demands of my job and flitting through time zones. This month I experienced my first Ironman low.  We wont give it much publicity but after a few days off training, giving the mind and body some much needed time out I was back on track.  Not punishing yourself is key in all of this! And indeed listening to your body. But so hard to avoid when you've been so good at the self beating banter.  After being awake for 24 hours straight Fri/Sat due to delays at work, I was physically exhausted this weekend.  My body couldn't get enough sleep.  I'd planned a long ride yesterday and the Brighton Half Marathon today - but felt completely wiped out. I listened to my body and gave in and rested with Netflix - but was absolutely gutted to miss the event. It was only ever going to be a training run, but catching up on sleep was more important to my recovery! I did not want another burn out! I have always been shit with balancing it all work/life/training sleep. But I am constantly learning and realising the huge benefits to rest. This ironman experience is not for winging it  - that's for sure and it's a complete juggling act with a full time job.   Exercise has always been a way for me to channel emotions and also feel good releasing the happy inducing endorphins, (happy dolphins).  So when I can't train I go insane (ha ha ha maybe I should get a T shirt printed.)  I have often been accused of becoming obsessive with it all.  Maybe. I am. I prefer dedicated -  there are many people who just don't get it at all but there are just as many people who do. My mentality is 'Be the best that you can be.' If that means making minor sacrifices to achieve your end goal and as long as you're happy with it that's awesome.  After all, come May 23 I don't want to look back and think I could have done better!

So what's been occurring

In the last month I have:
Had a proper bike fit - which has been a revelation and changed the way I cycle
Been to Lanza and banked some quality bike miles
Had my first IM low (we won't mention that again)
Got my race kit sorted including trainers